


Reluctance

by UnrealRomance



Series: Impressions and Deductions [7]
Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Developing Relationship, F/M, Interspecies Relationship(s)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-25
Updated: 2016-03-25
Packaged: 2018-05-29 02:04:09
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,307
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6354418
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/UnrealRomance/pseuds/UnrealRomance
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Thane P.O.V. AND Shepard P.O.V. in this one.</p>
<p>Thane reflects on Shepard's willingness to help others as she finishes up a loyalty mission.</p>
<p>Shepard wonders something.</p>
<p>Relationship progression here!</p>
            </blockquote>





	Reluctance

Shepard assists the rest of the Crew with their unfinished business- with enthusiasm.

Before Tuchanka, she took care of Garrus's traitor, though in a different way than I expected. They left him alive and Garrus was quite surprised to learn he'd turned himself in to C-Sec for his crimes. It is unclear if they will be able to prosecute but Garrus seemed to appreciate the thought- though he made it clear it changed nothing. He will perhaps not forgive the other Turian until he feels he has truly atoned.

Mordin's business apparently ended with him sending his student off to Omega- to the clinic he used to run there- though I am told he came close to shooting him. I am mildly surprised that Garrus did not allow him to.

' _They each take the part of moral center when they are too angry to think straight.'_ Every member of the Crew is different, and that is their strength.

I was taken on a mission to recover Miss Lawson's sister, and though the revelation that they were not twins, but clones of each other was quite the surprise- learning that she escaped from a hostile home life was not. She looks to the Illusive man in a fairly idealistic fashion. I wouldn't be surprised if she looks up to him as a father figure preferable to her own.

Shepard witnessed betrayal and talked Miss Lawson out of killing the man who professed to being her oldest friend. _'Killing someone who thought they were doing what was right will only ever haunt you. Proving him wrong is the only way to win.'_

In the end it was moot, as the Asari waiting nearby to take the young girl back to her father- killed him. Miss Lawson was understandably upset, though her heart seemed to lighten after the Commander convinced her to show herself to her sister.

" _Why push her to reveal herself?" I ask, leaning against a wall near where Miss Lawson is speaking to her sister's family. "It may bring more danger to her."_

" _She's going to be in danger her whole life." Shepard joins me against the wall, arm brushing mine. "I'd rather she had someone she_ knows _she can trust to protect and look after her than leave it all to chance."_

She has been touching me very casually lately. The first few times I was surprised, and nearly jerked away from her. I went still instead, as is my wont when startled.

It is common now, expected. Shepard gets close to her squad members. A hand on a shoulder, squeezing for comfort when something upsets them. Leaning against their side in the shuttle after a mission when she's too tired to prop herself up on her own.

That happens less frequently as her health begins to recover.

The scars she had when we first met have disappeared, and I have heard from Kasumi that she had a procedure done to get rid of them. I hadn't thought Shepard a vain woman. Perhaps there was another reason.

The mission on Aeia was particularly upsetting for her. She came to me after it was over to talk.

" _His father enslaved the rest of the crew and only called for help when he was in danger himself. I let him shoot the bastard."_ It was a surprising change from how she handled these situations before.

I told her so.

" _Jacob wasn't really betrayed by his father. He got over his death a long time ago, all that was left was justice for those poor people he hurt. I told him I'd shoot him if he didn't."_ The puzzle of Shepard's motivations became more complex.

She took Zaeed to Zorya and they came back with a charged atmosphere between them. Though Zaeed drunkenly confided in Doctor Chakwas within my hearing range that he respected her more for threatening to shoot him over civilian casualties. Still, he was angry that his foe had gotten away again.

She even helped Samara to kill her own daughter. That was upsetting in many ways for both of them.

Shepard gave Samara space, but needed someone to talk to. The fact that she came to me over Tali or Garrus didn't escape my notice, but I decided to ponder the implications at a later date. _"She didn't ask to be born the way she was. When you're told that you can't have something, that your whole life is a mistake...well, how would you expect someone to react to that, really?"_

Her compassion for a serial killer would have struck me as odd if she didn't show herself to be a remarkably forgiving individual before. It only occurred to me to ask when I realized I didn't think it odd of her at all.

" _You can't hate a demon for being evil, it's just what it's made for. It's not even malicious most of the time, but lonely."_ It was an uncharacteristically poetic way to put it. I mentioned as much. _"Let's just say I had an interesting upbringing."_

Her trip to the Flotilla with Tali and Garrus ended as well as could be expected. Somehow, Shepard managed to keep Tali and her Father from being disgraced, though the Admiralty board may in time discover the truth.

She blew up the facility where Jack was held prisoner as a child, with Miranda as her third member. I didn't disagree with the decision, Miranda is entirely too enamored of Cerberus. They got into a fight when they returned, and Shepard had to intervene.

It took a bit of effort to avoid alienating either one of them, but somehow she managed to do it.

Tonight she was helping Kasumi recover something from a high-class party of some kind. There was combat involved, and Shepard lamented that her 'new dress' was destroyed.

_The black leather hugs her curves, showing her legs and throat to great advantage. My gaze darts away when she glances at me, though she probably wouldn't be able to tell I was looking in her direction at all._

" _Thane, what do you think?" She gestures at herself. "This is impractical isn't it? I hate heels."_

" _Often the disguise is the most useful weapon in an infiltrator's repertoire." I respond._

" _Oooh, he's using those fancy words." Kasumi titters and nudges Shepard. "I think you look good, Shep."_

My fascination with Shepard's new outfit confused me at the time. After she returned from her mission, in her usual armor rather than the leather dress- I realized I was attracted to her. It isn't an unusual occurrence, though I tend to ignore any physical attraction unless emotions are involved.

Confused once again, I attempted to meditate. It didn't work.

I walk into the observation deck, the room Kasumi has claimed as her own- fully intending to ask for something to drink. I'm not usually one to get drunk, but enough to fog my memories for a few hours would be welcome.

Shepard is there. "Oh, Thane." She turns when Kasumi looks up at me, and blinks rapidly. "Kasumi!"

"How do you expect to build up an immunity if you don't keep at it, Shep?" For some reason this makes Shepard blush, and Kasumi giggles.

Shepard is dressed in a pair of sweat pants and a tank top, showing off her shoulders, collarbones and throat, but hiding her legs. It's still confusing.

"Ah." I step back toward the door. "I hadn't realized-"

"Don't go, we can all drink together!" Kasumi laughs softly and pours herself a drink. "You and I have more in common than you'd think."

"Do we?" I walk up to the door and lift a brow at the plain blue drink she serves me. Something with vodka and flavoring. She must be quite upset about something.

"Your wife and the love of my life both died at the hands of someone nefarious." She takes a sip of her wine-glass, filled to the brim with strawberry flavored schnapps, it seems. I can smell the sweet tang of it.

"I see." I bow my head and offer a prayer for Kasumi's lost loved one, though it seems she is not finished speaking.

"I could keep this." She lifts a small gray chip up to the light. "I could see him every day if I wanted. Relive memories of him forever."

Shepard reaches out to grasp her wrist and squeeze. Not disagreeing or agreeing, but offering support. "It's your choice, no one else can tell you what to do."

"I think most would tell you to live for the present." I chuckle and knock back the blue drink, shaking my head. The burn is almost foreign to me. "But I am not one to criticize."

"I just wish I knew what the right answer was." Kasumi is peering down at the chip with frustrated lips, but pleading eyes.

"If I may." I hold out my glass for a refill and she obliges. "Drell are both blessed and cursed with perfect memory. It is very easy to slip into...mn. Let's call it Solipsism." I sip the drink this time, taking pleasure in the way the flavor blooms on my tongue. "It's tempting to delve into memories of happier times, but- it awakes a craving within you."

Kasumi pays rapt attention as I speak, perhaps looking for insight, though she still cradles the chip in her hand like a precious treasure.

"A craving for something that can never be real again." I sigh and lift the glass. "I can drink this and relive the experience of drinking it again in two hours. I could relive the rush of it, the drunkenness that might follow and even any embarrassing lapses in judgment. Enough of it, and I can only remember a blank place where my memory _should_ be." I chuckle and take another sip. "Coming out of the memory, I might search out the drink and forget for just a moment that I have none left. Then reality comes crashing back down upon you and it's twice as awful as running out of it in the first place."

Kasumi bows her head. "So I could be chasing after Keiji for the rest of my life, not remembering he's gone and being devastated each and every time I realize he's dead."

"Indeed." I drink the rest of my shot and stand up. "Though I suppose if you need to filter through it for information, or closure- you could always destroy it tomorrow."

A tear slips down Kasumi's cheek and Shepard reaches out to grasp her shoulder. "I think that would be best. Stay with me, Shep?"

"As long as you want." I hear her assure Kasumi as I leave.

...

My Cerberus 'improvements' seem to have upped the ante. The more I drink with Kasumi the drunker I get, but at a certain point I realize I can't get any further. My tech must be managing my alcohol level. Which should probably piss me off, but since I'm drunk I just shrug it off and thank the heavens that this means I get to stay conscious and possibly might not have as bad a hangover in the morning.

She's passed out, flat on her back on the couch and I have to turn her on her side before leaving. Wouldn't want her throwing up and choking on it.

I'm in that pleasant stage after getting buzzed where you're just afloat in a sea of unreality and nothing seems as important as the relaxation pulling at your limbs.

The door to Life Support opens as I pass it, and I blink. It always does that if you're too close to the door and it isn't locked. I walk inside, and smile at the sight of Thane meditating with crossed legs on his cot. _'I need to get that guy a bed.'_ And then I notice his jacket is on the edge of his cot and I can see his _arms_. _'Or he could just use mine.'_ I snort.

"Shepard?" He comes out of his meditation with a twitch, like I surprised him.

"Sorry, were you- reliving or something?" I could just smack my forehead. "You usually hear me walking up."

"I was meditating. If I chose to do so, I could close off my consciousness in the midst of a war and not wake even if I were ripped half apart." He hums. "Though that's supposing being ripped in half wouldn't immediately kill me."

I'm dazed, just a little. His voice is very soothing and... "Kasumi's asleep."

"I will check on her in a bit, if you wish to go to bed." He offers.

' _He is so sweet.'_

I know I've probably got a sappy expression on my face. "Thank you."

"You do much for others, Shepard. One wonders what you get in return." He smiles, just a little. "Though perhaps that is a discussion best had when you are not quite so vulnerable."

' _I wish he'd smile more often.'_

The question surprises me a little. I mean, I know people wonder all the time why I help them, but no one questions what I get out of it. Not really.

I'm a soldier, it's part of my nature. I'm a good person, it makes me feel good about myself to help others. I often loot the merc bases so it's not like I was lacking for funds, even back when my Spectre status was cut off. Thank god they reinstated me, even if I hate the fact that they don't believe me. The resources and authority in council space are both helpful.

People just naturally assume it's the money, the self-righteous sense of accomplishment or my training. They never think to look deeper.

"I love them, you know?" I point behind me at his door. "I'd do anything to help them, any of them. It's just my luck that I always end up with exemplary people on my team, so easy to like...except Jacob." I wrinkle my nose. "I mean, I like the guy- but we don't have familial chemistry like with my other...just not Jacob." I slice my hand through the air a bit.

He chuckles, I love that sound! "What about Miss Lawson?"

"Miranda?" I sigh and crack my neck. "She was led astray by a false prophet."

"You are quite poetic at times, though it seems sparse." He noticed. God, of course he noticed.

I blush, I can feel it. My face is already flushed from the drinks,but I'm sure it's worse now. "I...a lot of people don't like it. So I try to cut down on it. They think I'm insulting their intelligence when I do that."

"That is absurd." He looks like _he's_ wrinkling his nose now, and it's adorable. "I have no objections to it, Shepard."

"Right." I cough and rub the back of my neck. "Thank you."

...

Shepard is flushed with intoxication, but not only that. She is quite embarrassed to have been caught speaking with such intelligence. It both confuses and disgusts me that anyone would shame someone for their intellect. Being jealous does not justify that kind of treatment toward someone.

She sighs and glances at me, tilting her head and frowning. "I think it's worse cause she has it in concentrated form."

"Beg pardon?" My brows pull together and I put my feet on the floor, curling out of meditation pose. I will need to stretch to pull the stiffness from my limbs.

"Don't snap my neck, okay?" She asks, walking over to stand before me.

For a moment I think she is referring to my aversion to touch, that she noticed and she intends to- perhaps hug me, or grasp my shoulder as she does for the others.

But I am wrong.

She tilts my face up with a careful fingertip under my chin and kisses me. I am not quite sober, as of yet- my reaction is a bit slower than it should be.

Her tongue drags across the seam of my lips and my hands grip the sides of the cot beside my legs. I don't realize I've opened my mouth to her until she slants her mouth over mine and drops to straddle me.

I forget why this is a bad thing, for just a moment.

For just a moment, my hands find her hips, my tongue tangles with hers and everything else in the universe simply stops.

And then I recall, and my right hand grasps her by the hair so I can pull away. Her reaction to her hair being pulled is more favorable than I'd have anticipated. I drop my forehead to her shoulder. "You are drunk. And I am...not quite sober either."

"Oh, right." She sighs and slowly pulls away from me, as if reluctant to go.

I can sympathize, I don't want her to go either.

...

Shepard walks into Life Support this morning without announcing herself and falls to her knees with her forehead touching the floor.

It's a few moments before I can process what she is saying and doing.

"God, Thane. I'm sorry. I know you hate to be touched, I should never have done that- drunk or not." She does not babble, but leaves it at that. Falling silent and awaiting my response.

I blink a few times as I think the situation over. "I do not mind touch, Shepard." Is where I decide to begin.

She glances up, an expression of disbelief on her face.

"I do not." I assert. "I was...unused to it before I joined the crew. I spent ten years in seclusion."

"It was still wrong. I'm still sorry." She leans back and crosses her legs, sitting as if to meditate. Her head is drooping over her lap.

"If I may ask." Her contrition is endearing, if unnecessary. "Why did you?"

Her neck and shoulders, still bared by the tank top she went to sleep in, turn red. "I...uh."

I lift a brow when she glances up.

She sighs. "Tali told the other girls that she thought you were...interested in me." She does not pause so much as take a moment to grimace. "So Kasumi started teasing me with this drink, this mixture with-"

"Drell Venom." It makes sense now. The way she spoke to Kasumi last night when I walked in, _'Build up an immunity.'_

"I thought to myself, 'maybe it's just that it's concentrated that it keeps making me see rainbows'. You know, cause it's supposed to. It's a recreational drink. I had been drinking bourbon for a while, so the effects had worn off..." She is biting her lip again.

_Her hands cup my throat, not restraining or exploring but holding- tongue exploring my mouth-_

I cut that memory off with a sharp shake of my head. "And so you thought to prove to Kasumi it was unnecessary. Drunken logic makes fools of us all, Shepard. I should have pushed you away before it got quite so far."

"So we're both stupid and you forgive me?" She is smiling in that way humans do when they think they can charm you into agreeing with them. Impish.

I laugh, a bit loudly. "There is nothing to forgive, though I would like some warning the next time you intend to-"

"Now that just takes the fun out of everything." She is pouting and joking, so she must feel better. "I can promise to stay away when I'm drunk."

"That is good." I rest my cheek against my cupped hands. "Though I shudder to think what you might end up doing to Vakarian or the Professor if you're avoiding me."

She laughs, long and loud and gasping for air on the floor. "Oh, my god. I just had the weirdest fucking mental image of my life, you ass."


End file.
